My Dear C and J,

During my three week break from work, I so enjoyed our extra time together.  J, your giggles and increasing confidence at Gymboree class warm my heart.  C, your little milestones in gymnastics, cello and all your activities make me so proud.  But more importantly, those little drawings you present to me, the times you both run up and grab my hand or give me kisses, they mean more to me than words can capture.    It’s the little acts you do, unprompted, that make all the hard work and occasional exhaustion worth it.

I read excerpts from a wonderful book yesterday, “The Conscious Parent.”  And they remind of something.  While you are the center of my life, you are not me.  I do not own you nor possess you.  It is not your responsibility to fulfill my or your father’s unfulfilled dreams and wishes.   You are each your own unique individual, with your own dreams to fulfill and your life to live, to the fullest, as you see fit.  Parenting is not about controlling you or your choices, but guiding you, supporting you as you discover your passions and path forward.

As parents, we often see our children as a direct reflection on us.  Who they marry, what colleges they attend, what professional they choose, all become highly personal.  If you misbehave, it must be that I wasn’t a good mom.  And in our culture and community especially, many moms jump to conclusions and point fingers.  But perhaps, we should give each other a break and allow our children to thrive as they are.  Your kids misbehave sometimes, as do mine . And it’s okay, they are learning and growing up.  We set boundaries and give corrections so they don’t hurt others in their misbehavior, but let’s not point fingers and accuse other mothers of being negligent until we know their stories.  The worst accusation I’ve heard has been I chose work over parenting, or the implication, that by working, I’m somehow not as adequate a parent.

C and J, your reasons for major life choices are your own.   I hope you never feel the need to defend those choices or have to justify them but have the courage to make great decisions and carry forward.  I’ve struggled with living up to others’ expectations all my life, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have enormous expectations and hopes for you too.  But you are each your own individual.   You need to live with kindness and integrity.  Otherwise, don’t let my expectations dictate how you want to live your life.

Love always,

Mom