My Dearest C&J,

I’m going to attempt to explain my thoughts on a very difficult and complex subject.

It’s been said that even siblings can have vastly different experiences growing up, shaped by their birth order, their parents’ perception of them, and even their own perceptions of their places in the family.

With that said, I’m acutely aware that the two of you do not share the same childhood.

C: As the first born, you had our undivided attention for three years.  Everything I experienced with you was new, anxiety-inducing at times, and exciting at times.  As a first time parent, I dove into your upbringing as I would take on life’s most important and challenging project.  Not a detail was missed, and most of your birthdays so far were celebrated with elaborate parties.  I know that you are used to having our undivided attention.  After all, it’s only fair.  That’s the world as you knew it for a long time.

J: As our younger child, you have the benefit of our wisdom and parenting experience, but not the undivided attention.  (I’m guessing you will get more of our undivided attention, which you may not want, in your late teens, when your sister goes to college.)   I no longer planned elaborate birthday parties, because I realized it doesn’t matter to you.  You would have just as much fun if the same resources were allocated toward a family outing.  (Just so you know, I will throw you a party next year when you can actually express to me what you want for your party.)  You’ve started demonstrating to me that you are not to be ignored, that you want to be heard as much as your sister, and you want our undivided attention as well!

Well, here’s my challenge.  My attention toward you two, cannot, by definition, be undivided.  And unless you’ve come up with some brilliant metric or accurate measurement of attention, it will never be split evenly.

What I know is this. (From my own experience as a sibling and from watching the two of you grow.)  There will be times, in our journey together, when each of you will feel that I love the other more, that I’m paying more attention to the other one, or that I am not being fair to you.  And you will be right.  What you feel is what you feel.  And I will not discount it.

But I will ask you to remember that I am human.  That I try to do my best.  That I believe in each different phase of your journey of growth, one of you will need me more or I believe I can add more value toward one at a particular time.  And that it is human nature to gravitate toward you when you are loving toward me vs. when you are angry at me, ignoring my asks, or acting completely differently from my expectations.

I will try and continue to try, to be sensitive toward and acknowledge how each of you feel.

I also want to share this realization I gained as an adult, looking back on my childhood.  I always wondered and as a young child, I asked my mom, “Who do you love more, my sister or me?”  She would smile and answer, “I love the one who is listening and behaving better more.”

It was only after having two kids of my own that I fully realized the answer doesn’t matter at all.  It doesn’t matter, because sometimes, your parents don’t actually know the answer.  I am not aware of loving one of you more than the other, C&J.

It also doesn’t matter, because if there is a difference, the difference is minimal in the grand scheme of things.  So what, if my parent(s) loved my sibling more than me?   They still love me to the moon and back, more than they love themselves, and more than anyone has ever loved me.  And that sibling they love?  Well, she loves me to the moon and back, and I feel the same about her.   So, in my case, I am very, very blessed.

And I hope the two of you will feel the same way about each other and appreciate each other.  That is so very important to me.

Love,

Mom